Trust and Obey

Trust and Obey is the title of a hymn that was written in 1887 by John Sammis.  We sing this hymn at church and its timeless truths have been an anchor for me during my recent trial.  The words trust and obey have been a command that God has laid on my heart to carry me through.

Chris came into our home as a six day old infant.  He was content and happy right from the beginning.  As with Z, I thought of my MAAP training and remembered that he was with us only for a season.  It was fun having a newborn in the house again and the kids were excited. 

He had been with us for a little while when some concerns about his health arose and DCF asked me to bring him to the hospital.  After a few hours the doctors decided to admit him.  They thought he was fine, but they wanted to run different tests just to make sure.  With each new procedure: getting an IV, X-rays, echocardiograms, etc., I would sing the song Amazing Grace to him.  I began to notice how calm he would get as I sang to him.  By singing and talking, I could keep him from moving during the different tests. When the nurses and doctors tried to comfort him he would continue to cry, but as I leaned in and sang and prayed in his ear, he would calm right down.  I realized how attached he was to me and my heart melted.  I broke rule number one of foster care and I started to imagine a “what if” scenario -- What if we were able to adopt him too?

A few months later DCF changed Chris’ goal to adoption.  As I lay in bed at night, I was shocked to find myself in the same position I had been in with Z just a short time before -- loving a child that was not mine and wanting him to be my son.  I was very apprehensive to go through the process again, but I trusted that my God was sovereign and faithful and he would give us what we needed.

We talked with the social workers about our desire to adopt him and she was encouraging.  We knew that he had siblings that were in other adoption placements, but we continued to hope and pray that God would allow him to stay with us and that ultimately His will would be done.  I was excited at the thought of Z and Chris growing up together.  They are close in age and I knew that with my other kids being so much older, it would be good for them to have each other.

We received the call from the social worker a few days later telling us that the adoptive parents of one of Chris’ siblings were interested in adopting him.  Needless to say we were upset.  We had envisioned another story book ending for our family.  I had naively thought that because God had allowed Z to stay with us, He would do the same for Chris.  After the phone call, I went to my room to seek my Lord.  As I sat on the floor weeping, I picked up my devotional and started to read the days entry.  It was from Job 35:10.   Spurgeon wrote “it is not in man’s power to sing when all is adverse, unless an alter-coal shall touch his lip.  Ask God not to let you remain song-less because of affliction, but to tune your lips to the melody of thanksgiving.  God gives you the ability to praise Him during the dark times.”  I immediately began to praise the Lord and to thank Him for my many blessings, especially my husband and children.  I also thanked him for my time with Chris and asked that He would conform my will to His.

Chris will stay with our family until sometime around Christmas.  The social workers are still working out the logistics and trying to make a smooth transition for him and his sibling.  As they are busy planning, I know that my God is behind the scenes bringing all things to pass for our good and His Glory.  We are praying for Chris and his future parents.  We desire for him go to a godly home where he can grow up in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  I am still praying for a miracle, but God has been teaching me to trust and obey Him along the way.

Exceedingly Abundantly

The phrase above from Ephesians 3:20 is how I describe one of the most amazing events in my life.  I have experienced the physical labor of childbirth four times -- twice with no medication, once with an epidural that did not work, and once as a c-section.  I am acquainted with the pain of childbirth; however; my most painful labor was the one I experienced with my soon to be adopted son Z.

Within the DCF system there is an adoption route and a traditional foster care route.  We chose to do the foster care route.  I think in the back of my mind I always knew that I would love to adopt a child; however, since we were so new to the entire system, we thought we might start with traditional foster care.  As I have said in a previous post, we received Z when he was three months old.  He was perfectly healthy and very sweet.  From the beginning we were in love; but I tried hard to remember my MAAP training and realize that he was going to have to leave someday.

I remember the first time his birth mom canceled a visit.  My heart was broken and I called my husband in tears unable to understand how she could miss a visit with this precious boy.  I was thankful he was an infant and unable to understand what was happening in his young life.  We prayed for his birth mom.  We prayed for her salvation, we prayed for her to work to change the circumstances that caused her to lose her son, and we prayed for their reunification.

I don't remember when it was that I started to hope, but I did.  By the time the social workers started to talk about goal changes and adoption plans I was hopeful.  We prayed constantly that we would be allowed the privilege of adopting this precious boy.  When we expressed a desire to adopt Z, our social worker sat us down and told us of the rigorous road ahead of us.  We were nervous, but ready for the process to begin.

When a foster child's goal is changed to adoption (I don't want to get into the specifics of why Z's goal was changed) the adoption worker has to recommend who should adopt the child.  This way, when the state goes to court to terminate a birth parents rights, they have a family in mind to show the court.  The adoption worker first tries to find a family member that would be suitable and willing to adopt the child.  We knew that we would not have the opportunity to adopt Z unless all family members were ruled out.  As we waited and prayed, God gave us verses to hold onto and we prayed them back to Him.  Luke 18:1-8 was one such passage that the Lord used to give us hope.  Another was in Genesis 18.  As Abraham interceded for Sodom he asked in verse 25 "Shall not the Judge of all the Earth do what is just?"  I prayed constantly for mercy for Z and for ourselves.  We loved him and desired that he would be able to grow up with us in a godly home.  After a few months, and the ruling out of other options, we were finally recommended for adoption.  We praised the Lord, but knew that we were not done yet, we still had a trial to go through.

The trial lasted two days.  They were two of the most stressful days of my life.  I was so nervous to finally see Z's biological mother face to face.  I did not realize how difficult it would be to listen to the evidence presented by the state as to why her parental rights should be terminated.  It broke my heart.  I knew this was best for Z, but I also knew that every mother should have the ability to raise her own child.  Again, I mourned over our fallen state as humans and longed for Revelation 21 -- when God would make all things new!

Six weeks we waited.  I have had many people tell me that receiving a ruling after six weeks was amazing, but to me they were endless weeks.  During that time of waiting, I would have moments of complete trust and assurance in the faithfulness and promises of God.  I knew that whatever happened He would cause all things to work together for good.  At other times, I would be on my knees begging for mercy, frightened and faithless.  God was so gracious to me in my weakness.  He would always bring a verse to mind or have a friend share one with me that was just what I needed.  He even gave me a women at church who had already been through this process twice and who was such an encouragement. 

When we received the news that the judge ruled in our favor, we were ecstatic.  We emailed all of our family and friends and our church family praised the Lord for his mercy and faithfulness as they announced our news from the pulpit and in the bulletin.  It was a joyous time, but we were not unaware that our joy was resulting in someone else's sorrow. I think of Z's bio mom often and I continue to pray that she will know the comfort and peace that is only found in the Prince of Peace.

We are in the appeal phase of the process now.  We expect the adoption to be complete sometime next summer.  Every day when I look at Z, Ephesians 3:20-21 comes flooding into my mind and I stop and thank the Lord for his abundant blessings.  "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end, Amen."

Siblings

When my husband and I asked our kids their thoughts on doing foster care they were very excited and could hardly wait for a child to arrive.  I remember that they had the same reaction when we told them we were getting a puppy.   Now I am not saying that children are like dogs, but what I am saying is that the excitement of siblings does wear off.  I have come to realize that when that excitement wears off, that is exactly when we learn the true meaning of service.

Our oldest, Hannah, is almost sixteen.  She is the leader of my band of kids and she does her job well.  She is responsible and efficient, and it amazes me how much like my oldest sister she is.   Her “mother hen instinct” comes alive while trying to keep track of everyone when we are at the store.  I love to hear my sister tell stories about how SHE raised me, not my parents.  I think Hannah will have many of these same stories.  Grace is the second oldest, and as such, tries to leave most of the leading to Hannah.  She is a creative and intelligent fourteen year old.  I find myself marveling at her insight into life and God.  She is the heart of my kids as she is deeply attached to all of her siblings, especially the babies.  Matthew is eleven.  He is all boy, but thankfully with a sensitive side (since he was the lone boy with three sisters for so long, I think this was unavoidable).  He reminds me of his Father with his dry sense of humor that keeps us constantly laughing.  Isabelle is nine.  Everyone calls her Hannah’s “Mini Me”.  She is feisty and fearless.  When the other kids shrink back, she jumps forward and leads the way.  It has been amazing to watch her mothering instinct come alive as she helps with the little ones. 

I will never forget the day we brought our first foster son, Z, home.  Each of the kids gathered around him and they all wanted to be the one to hold and feed him (except Matt who was nervous around babies).  This went on for a few weeks, and I blissfully thought that this was going to be the norm (I should have remembered the puppy!)  Then it happened -- the day I stood holding a crying baby and no one came to help!  I fed the baby and then went to see where everyone was.  Hannah was writing a letter, Grace was knitting, and Matt and Belle were watching a movie.  I realized that Z’s newness had worn off and that life was back to normal.  They still loved him, but he had now become just another member of the family.  

This was when having a foster sibling became true service.

What are you collecting children?

You already have four children.  Why would you want more?  This was another common attitude that we encountered when we would tell people that we were getting involved with foster care.  I wasn’t so surprised by this reaction from people outside of the church, but I was from people within the church.  It seems verses such as Psalm 127:3-5 have been forgotten when considering families.

Psalm 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrier are the children of one's youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!  He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. 

As Christians we testify to the Word of God being divinely inspired.  Question three of the Shorter Baptist Catechism puts it this way:

“The Scriptures of both the Old and New Testaments, being God-breathed, are infallible and inerrant in all their parts and are, therefore, trustworthy in all that they affirm concerning history, science, doctrine, ethics, religious practices, or any other topic.” 

The Catechism then goes on to cite 2 Timothy 3:16; 1 Thessalonians 2:13; and John 10:35b as support for this truth.  If God’s word tells us that children are a reward from Him, they are as important as arrows are to a warrior, that man is blessed with many, and that by having a “quiver full” you will not be put to shame, why is it that we look at children as a burden?

We prayed about doing foster care for a while before actually taking the classes.  We were concerned about how it was going to affect our family, our freedom.  We were on easy street as far as children were concerned.  Our oldest was thirteen and our youngest was seven.  We were able to go out on “date nights” whenever we wanted.  We were able to sleep late on Saturday mornings and sleep soundly all night.  Why would we ever want to bring other children into our home, let alone an infants?  Were we crazy?

Well, the answer is yes, but not for the reasons you might think.  We were crazy.  Crazy for doubting God’s word, crazy living for ourselves and our own comfort, and crazy for missing out on this blessing for so many years.  We are now experiencing the truth of Psalm 127.  Children are a heritage and a reward!

So are we collecting children?  No!  Collections belong in glass cabinets or on shelves.  What we are doing is making ourselves useful to our Master and allowing His love to flow through us to His children.    

I could never do that!

This is what I generally hear when I tell people I am a foster mom.  Now I don’t blame them.  This was our major concern when praying about becoming foster parents.  I think my husband thought that I would fall apart if a child was removed from our home.  He had visions of me wrestling a social worker as she tried to remove MY baby.  He saw them escorting me off to Federal prison as I fled with MY child across state lines.  I understand the desire to be used by God and at the same time dread the fear of attachment. 

I won’t lie to you, you get attached.  You not only get attached, but they become your children.  They have to.  You can’t meet their physical needs of food and clothing and ignore their needs for love and nurturing.  They are your children while they are in your home.  Of course, there are plenty of reminders that they are not legally your children.  Parental visits, social worker visits, foster care reviews, different last names at the doctors, etc. are a constant reminder of this.  However, you are the one that is rocking them to sleep, changing their diaper, feeding and clothing them, attending to their every need.  You are the one they bond to.  Your biological children become their siblings, your parents become their grandparents, and your extended family their aunts, uncles, and cousins.  It really is amazing.

Now we made a decision that we would foster children under four.  We made this decision for a few reasons, but the obvious one is because we homeschool.  In Massachusetts you are not allowed to homeschool a foster child.  Now this doesn’t mean that if a child came into our home that we would kick them out as they approached school age, we realize that foster kids can be in the system for long periods of time.  Both of our foster sons came to us as infants.  Our first foster son we nicknamed Z* and he was placed with us when he was three months.  Our second foster son, Chris*, came straight from the hospital as a six day old newborn.  How could I not bond with them?  How could I not love them like my own?  I didn’t stand a chance with either of these precious babies!

When people realize that my boys are foster children (which isn’t difficult because one is a different ethnicity than me), they stand amazed at MY willingness to foster, MY unselfishness, MY saint-like sacrifice.  To be honest it makes me very uncomfortable.  I am uncomfortable because I am not the one that deserves the praise--my God is! (Psalm 115)  He is the one that equips me to get up in the night; he is the one that enables me to chase Z around our church at lightning speeds as others get to fellowship; He is the one that strengthens me to sing “The Alphabet Song” twenty times in a row; and He is the one that allows me to bend into the crib every morning to Chris’s sweet smile and to hear “Mama” when Z sees me walk in the room.  It is a privilege to be their foster mom.  It is a privilege to serve these children and to have them live in a Christ-centered home.  It is a privilege to serve God by serving His children.

Christian -- isn’t our God amazing!  He is the one that calls, enables, equips, and strengthens us to serve Him, yet we are so blessed in the process.  Being a foster parent has blesses me far more than I could have ever imagined.  My service is His good pleasure.  So the next time, Beloved, you think you could never be a foster parent, remember these two scriptures:

Philippians 2:12-13  Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Hebrews 13:20-21  Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

* Names have been changed.

Duffle Bag What?

Duffle Bag Children - noun – Children involved in the Foster care system.  Term applies to the bag that carries all of their worldly possessions from placement to placement.

Alright, I made the term up.  But this description seemed so fitting when we met our first foster child.

Flash back to April of 2011.  We had finished our DCF (Department of Children and Families; aka DSS) training and were anxiously awaiting our first placement.  I received the call while on a women’s retreat in Maryland.  I was told they had a three month old boy who needed a new foster care home.  As our social worker described the situation I was so excited at the prospect of being able to care for this child that I am sure the worker thought there was something wrong with me.  For the next two days all I could think and pray about was this child.  I prayed that God would equip me to be a foster mom and that I would be able to adjust to having a three month old again (at this time my youngest was seven and it had been a while since I had been awakened in the night by a crying baby).

Two days later my two oldest daughters and I went to meet him.  When I peered into that car seat at that sleeping boy my heart melted, taking him home with all his possessions stuffed into a red duffle bag, my heart broke.  My world had just changed.  Duffle Bag Children was the way I described this crazy world that I had just entered and the children in it.  Seeing this beautiful child, displaced, with all of his belongings in a bag, being moved from foster home to foster home, I began to weep.  I wept over the sin that had caused this child to become a ward of the state, I wept for his future, I wept because I had been so privileged with my own family, and I wept with thankfulness that my own Heavenly Father would never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).  It was at that moment that I realized that my family and I were truly fulfilling Matthew 25:31-40

  “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. ³⁴ Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ ³⁷ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? ³⁸ And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? ³⁹ And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’

My life has never been the same since becoming a foster mom; however, I now realize that is exactly what God intended. 

Novice

My husband created this Blog for me and unveiled it to me while I was sleeping last night.  I guess this is his way of saying “alright enough with all of the talk, write something and let others join in the discussion.”   Either that or he was just saying “enough with all the talk, there’s got to be someone else you can talk to.”  Whatever his motive, I could not sleep after he showed it to me.  I laid there in bed tossing and turning with all of these thoughts rolling around in my head:  What would I write?  Would anyone actually read it?  How would it be received if anyone did read it?  Occasionally I would speak my thoughts out loud.  I think he quickly realized that if he had planned to get any sleep, he should have waited until the morning to show it to me.  I realized with the morning light that it really doesn’t matter if anyone sees it, that I have never been short on words before, and that it is in God’s hands how it is received.   The only thing that matters is sharing a need with the people of God.  Hopefully I will be able to do that in the coming posts.  Right now though, I have kids that are calling for me.